What's the difference between lager, ale, and stout?

This is the kind of question which should, by law, be posted in several languages, in every maternity ward in the Union and Protectorates, so that the medical staff can engage in the discussion within earshot of newborns, to the benefit of the nation for the long term.

There's so much snobbish talk about ales and stouts and beers of all description, thanks to an explosive micro-brew industry, the unfortunate effect of which has been to stigmatize the askers of such basic questions. So first I must thank Mrs. Harriet T. Crumley of Bent Fork, South Dakota for writing in (not her real name or town).

Before casting aside the corporeal body, the ultimate and inexorable yielding to forces beyond human influence, one needs to acquire a basic understanding of malting (inducing and then halting the germination of a grain), which makes available complex sugars and starches for fermentation (using yeast to convert those sugars and starches into alcohol in an air-starved environment).

And that—you may thank me now, dear reader, for the brevity and clarity you have just enjoyed despite insidious feelings of dread and mounting anger—is it.

Almost.

The differences between lager, ale and stout are largely determined by the kind of yeast used in fermentation, as well as the various grains. Yeasts ferment at different speeds, temperatures, and, due to the density of the living, seething, stinking mess, even at different depths in the fermenting container. "Top fermented," for example, describes the process for many ales.

Of course, there are nuances and specifics which take us well beyond the scope of this modest yet enjoyable little column, so you, O wingéd reader, and Mrs. Fork of South Harriet, Dakota, now empowered with correct and succinct knowledge, are enjoined to pursue further research, as needed, elsewhere. On your own time.

Thank you all very, very much.